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Friday, November 15, 2013

Love, Love, Love (doodoodoo)

I think I went to bed before ten, but then the tiniest apple of my eye woke up and needed/wanted nursing and now it's three and I would really like to go back to sleep but I can't 1) because insomnia and 2) because airplanes. Fedex is beginning to launch the outbounds and the inbounds are moving into formation and it's about to be relatively rumbly for the next hour or so.

Perfect opportunity to write.

So. Love. This is a topic that has been on my mind as of late but took an entirely different train of thought over the last several days. I'm contemplating a whole little mini-series/might actually give you a consistent them for once/may actually give you deep, thoughtful posts for once kind of thing. I mean, this particular post is a bit off the cuff so don't expect much. And it's 3 a.m., for heaven's sake.

Love is talked out. It really is. Everyone seems to have their own version and surely that's because it's such a personal, subjective emotion. I'm no expert but if there is anything the last several years have taught me it's that love- despite what society would have us believe- is not the biological/neurological/chemical reaction that our bodies go through when we've got the giddies for that person over there across the room.

Love is a choice. It's work, it's hard, it takes time.... and it requires a great deal of Strength. 

That's more or less where my brain has been for the last several weeks. Until the other day- Tuesday, to be exact. Between meeting with my spiritual director, particular songs on K-Love (I'm not a huge fan of Christian pop but lately the station has been steady on my dial), and everything leading up to that point, my contemplations began to take a turn. Namely to the theme: Love in Action.

In high school, I went through SEARCH- a Catholic retreat for juniors and seniors. Those retreat weekends were definitive points- some of the absolute best points- in my life. I was chosen to be a table leader for one, and part of that job description was to give a five minute talk about some theme. Mine was Love in Action. I wish I could find that paper. It would be interesting to see how it compares to what I would write now.
Where was I. Oh- well. So it's not enough to say, "I love you". Those three words, while hardest to say at the beginning, tend to lose their impact and meaning as we grow more complacent in our relationships with each other. Their meaning tends to lose weight. How many times have you heard or even experienced someone closing a phone call with a quickly uttered, "I love you," as casual as a good-bye, when the speaker was not someone with whom you had that kind of relationship at all? (Happened to me once- my boss! Ha ha! He was so embarrassed.) 

Eventually the three words are just a thing. Not an emotion, not earth shaking. Not something I would blurt out to just anyone, though, so there does remain some special quality to it. "You're my family. I love you."

But what happens when the words lose all their color? What happens when you suddenly have the realization that the thing that used to feel so good to say is just kind of.... lukewarm? Bland to the taste? 

Maybe- maybe it's because it's not being used right. 

And at this point, the exhaustion has finally taken me over. I'm going to give this some more thought and follow up later. If you're reading this, would you please be so kind as to leave me some kind of feedback? What does "love" mean to you? 

1 comment:

  1. Ah FedEx night arrivals and take offs -- my oldest (he's 18) has been "in love" 8 times in the last 6 weeks (seriously) and often "this is the girl I am going to marry". Yeah, no she's a sophomore and you're a senior but when you think about the difference between what most people think love is and what it really is -- there is a total difference.

    Love is hearing the alarm go off at 5:45 and hearing your spouse say, "you stay in bed I'll take her to school" or getting into your car on a cold morning and finding your gas tank full or spending 10 minutes extra in bed snuggling with your kids or your husband. Love is calling someone and checking on them and letting them know that someone noticed that they haven't been around lately. Love is a choice not a feeling and people need to understand that you Choose to love people and your choice to love them even when they are unlovable is the best gift you can give them